Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sissy's Songs playing in my heart Today and Yesterday

My sweet-hearted, compassionate, almost 3 year old, Jaythan, truly has a heart like God's. He is full of love, joy, and innocence. We listen to worship and praise music in our home almost all the time. I love iWorship dvds and play them constantly. Jaythan likes to call praise music, "Sissy's Songs". Sissy is what Jaythan calls Savannah (his sister who lives with Jesus).

This week as I was driving in the car, listening to my new Kari Jobe worship cd, Jaythan put his arms in the air, and told me "Sissy's songs", Mommy; Sissy is dancing!" Of course, his sweet utterance brought tears to my eyes as I was struck with the image that my dear son holds in his young mind of His sister in Heaven dancing with Jesus as Praise music fills the air. I praise God for that glimpse into my precious daughter's joy-filled life in Heaven!

This week has been emotionally overwhelming to me, and every thing seems to trigger tears and fears for me. So, I am frequently finding myself in constant communication with my Heavenly Father. No deep discussions are taking place; rather, I am simply requesting His presence, His Love, and His healing touch in extra measure. By continually acknowledging that He is here with me, I feel a calmness and peace that I cannot explain. So, I am learning that I must surrender my yesterdays, my todays, and my tomorrows completely to His perfect care.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7
A friend of mine shared a beautiful poem with me today that describes my heart now. It is taken from a book called, Teardrop Diary by Erin McSparron.

Yesterday and Today

Grief changes on a daily basis,
And is difficult to understand,
For your feelings and emotions,
Can on circumstances depend.

Yesterday I felt okay,
And demands on me I could meet.
But Today I feel so overwhelmed,
And do very close to defeat.

Yesterday I trusted God,
And my faith was fairly strong.
But Today I struggle and I wonder,
What did I do wrong?

Yesterday it was enough,
That in Heaven I would see.
But Today my heart aches deep inside,
Because I want my babe with me.

Yesterday I saw new life,
And praised God for His miracle.
But Today I can't even look their way,
For I'll cry and be hysterical.

Yesterday I was confident,
That life can go on for sure.
But Today I feel that all this pain,
I'll forever have to endure.

Yesterday I prayed to God,
And felt with help I'd survive.
But Today I feel abandoned,
And the guilt eats me alive.

Yesterday I thought that I Was through the hardest time.
But Today I see that infant grief
Doesn't follow a straight line.

Today is a brand new day,
Full of doubts and fears anew.
I may have coped well Yesterday,
But Today I'm feeling blue.

I know that there is one thing,
That I did Yesterday but not Today.
I leaned on God and asked him
To lead me on my way.

For if I think that on this road I can go it all alone.
I find myself in a "Today"
That shows me I was wrong.

So surrender up your Yesterday,
And Today to God above.
Only He can bless you,
And surround you with His love.

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