October is typically my favorite month of the entire year! Not only does it mean that Autumn has arrived, it also includes my birthday! You can check out my earlier posts to learn about my love of all things Autumn as well as my obsession with my birthday. I usually celebrate my birthday starting October 1st and lasting until the 31st-I like to make the entire month special J and my hubby does an awesome job spoiling me and making me feel like a princess.
Because of my obsession with October, you would think that I would have woken yesterday (October 1st) with a happy heart and rejoicing that the anticipated month had arrived. However, that isn’t exactly what happened.
I had a busy day of appointments, the first being my MOPS meeting. I was especially excited about MOPS that day because it was our annual SPA day and I love all things spa-like! I was sitting at the table surrounded by friends, and the kind lady giving us our spa treatments asked me how many children I have. Now, I hate that question because I never know how to respond. I have two children; however, one of them currently resides with Jesus and not with me. Usually, I respond by saying I have one son, Jaythan. However, yesterday, I replied, “two-a boy and a girl”. Then one of the ladies whom I thought knew about Savannah’s death, asked me “how old is your daughter?” My heart sunk, and I replied, “she passed away last October.”
I waited a few moments, and then excused myself to the restroom. As soon as I walked in the restroom, I fell apart emotionally. I began crying from the depths of my heart uncontrollably unlike I have cried in months. It was as if my heart had been holding it in and it all had to come out. It physically hurt to cry that hard, and it has been 6 months since I have allowed myself to grieve like that. I sat in that stall for probably 20 minutes and just CRIED. And all I could say, was “God, I can’t do this; I need my daughter.” I told God, “October isn’t so much fun anymore!” (My precious daughter’s birthday/heavenday was October 28 of last year.) As I sat there with my head in my lap and my tears falling consistently onto the floor, I heard God whisper to me, “I am collecting each of those tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8); I do see you, and I am Here with You.” Now, did I feel instantly better and did I stop crying immediately? No. But, I did feel God’s presence, and I knew that it was okay for me to grieve. I often feel guilty anytime I cry anymore, but yesterday God was telling me it’s okay to mourn. This is likely going to be an unfun October for me this year, and I may cry uncontrollably daily. But, I am thanking God for meeting me on the first day of this somewhat-unbearable month and telling me that “He sees me, and He cares.”
Jaythan and I go on “dates” to Barnes and Noble twice a month to play with the train set, read books, drink chocolate milk. On our last date, we picked out an Autumn-themed book that has now become his favorite. It is a story about a Bear Family called, “That’s when I’m Happy.” Last night when I was reading it before his bedtime, I was especially struck with the first few lines of the book.
“There are some days when I’m very happy, and then there are some days when I’m a little bit sad. But, now on those days when I’m a little bit sad, I try and find my way back to being happy.”
Because of my obsession with October, you would think that I would have woken yesterday (October 1st) with a happy heart and rejoicing that the anticipated month had arrived. However, that isn’t exactly what happened.
I had a busy day of appointments, the first being my MOPS meeting. I was especially excited about MOPS that day because it was our annual SPA day and I love all things spa-like! I was sitting at the table surrounded by friends, and the kind lady giving us our spa treatments asked me how many children I have. Now, I hate that question because I never know how to respond. I have two children; however, one of them currently resides with Jesus and not with me. Usually, I respond by saying I have one son, Jaythan. However, yesterday, I replied, “two-a boy and a girl”. Then one of the ladies whom I thought knew about Savannah’s death, asked me “how old is your daughter?” My heart sunk, and I replied, “she passed away last October.”
I waited a few moments, and then excused myself to the restroom. As soon as I walked in the restroom, I fell apart emotionally. I began crying from the depths of my heart uncontrollably unlike I have cried in months. It was as if my heart had been holding it in and it all had to come out. It physically hurt to cry that hard, and it has been 6 months since I have allowed myself to grieve like that. I sat in that stall for probably 20 minutes and just CRIED. And all I could say, was “God, I can’t do this; I need my daughter.” I told God, “October isn’t so much fun anymore!” (My precious daughter’s birthday/heavenday was October 28 of last year.) As I sat there with my head in my lap and my tears falling consistently onto the floor, I heard God whisper to me, “I am collecting each of those tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8); I do see you, and I am Here with You.” Now, did I feel instantly better and did I stop crying immediately? No. But, I did feel God’s presence, and I knew that it was okay for me to grieve. I often feel guilty anytime I cry anymore, but yesterday God was telling me it’s okay to mourn. This is likely going to be an unfun October for me this year, and I may cry uncontrollably daily. But, I am thanking God for meeting me on the first day of this somewhat-unbearable month and telling me that “He sees me, and He cares.”
Jaythan and I go on “dates” to Barnes and Noble twice a month to play with the train set, read books, drink chocolate milk. On our last date, we picked out an Autumn-themed book that has now become his favorite. It is a story about a Bear Family called, “That’s when I’m Happy.” Last night when I was reading it before his bedtime, I was especially struck with the first few lines of the book.
“There are some days when I’m very happy, and then there are some days when I’m a little bit sad. But, now on those days when I’m a little bit sad, I try and find my way back to being happy.”
Yesterday, was one of those days that I needed to find my way back to being happy…one of those days when I needed to be reminded of the many ways that God has blessed me. It was a perfect day to review my “100 things that bring me Joy” list that I wrote in one of my previous posts. If you are having a day that is a little bit sad and you need to find your way back to being happy, please know that you are not alone. God is there; He sees you; and He wants to comfort you. Let him Love You. Do something that brings you joy, spend time with those who make you laugh, or bake some of these yummy pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Your heart and tummy will thank you!
Blessings to you dear friends. God Loves you with a Lavish Love!
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” I John 3:1a
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
Directions:
Combine pumpkin, sugar, vegetable oil, and egg. In a separate bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, ground cinnamon, and salt. Dissolve the baking soda with the milk and stir in. Add flour mixture to pumpkin mixture and mix well. Add vanilla and chocolate chips. Drop by spoonful on greased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees F for approximately 10 minutes or until lightly brown and firm. Enjoy!
