Dancing the sacred dance of joy and grief simultaneously...and yet "NEVER ONCE" have we been left alone!

"But if the grieving begins to linger too long, it can be good to circle around to the gifts again; to whisper thanks, to receive the blessing, and to turn ourselves outward. Grief closes us in. Gifts spin us around to thankful, and thankful opens us wide for the giving." (Emily from chattingatthesky.com)

As Bella Joy's Pregnancy draws to a close, I am finding myself often overcome with so many conflicting emotions-sheer joy and hope and bliss at meeting my baby girl, holding her close, and whispering my love to her while at the same time I ache with an unexplainable sorrow and yearning for our Savannah Grace who is dancing with Jesus now. I find myself dancing as well...the dance of joy and grief in these final days of pregnancy. On the days when my heart is overwhelmed, I am choosing to whisper my gratitude and receive God's blessing-our Bella JOY, trusting Him to hold Savannah Grace close to His heart. One thing I have learned since Savannah's death, is that God has NEVER left us and NEVER stopped loving us...He has remained in control; He has NEVER left His throne-He has remained FAITHFUL. I love Matt Redman's new song, "Never Once"...especially the line, "Every step, we are breathing in your grace." We never walk alone! What a promise to cling to in days of grief, and in days of joy!

Please pray for us in these final weeks that our hearts would be comforted with the HOPE and PROMISE that we will see our first daughter, Savannah Grace, very soon-we have the promise of Heaven and the Promise of Christ's return. Pray that we can focus on the BEAUTY that our God has brought out of the ashes and the JOY that is coming in the Morning for our family. Bella Joy is truly a miracle (http://butterflykissesntastydishes.blogspot.com/2011/01/god-said-yes-even-when-i-didnt-have.html) and we are praising God for His AMAZING LOVE and the ways in which He is healing our hearts.

You can listen to the "yet-to-be-released" Never Once song on Matt Redman's facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Matt-Redman/44470964227?v=app_178091127385&sk=app_178091127385


Never Once by Matt Redman

Verse 1

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us



Verse 2

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You've done

Knowing every victory

Is Your power in us



Pre-Chorus

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say



Chorus 1

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful



Repeat Verse 2

Repeat Pre-Chorus



Chorus 2

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful



Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone



Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful



Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Happy Heaven Day Savannah Grace!!!

"The Lord's loved ones are precious to him; it grieves him when they die." Psalm 116:15

Two years ago today, our sweet baby girl began dancing with Jesus in heaven. I cannot believe that two years have passed since I held her in my arms. Maybe that is because I carry her in my heart every second of every day. People often told me after she died that the pain would go away. I disagree. The ache is still there and I don't think it will ever be absent from my heart. The pain may express itself in less evident ways on certain days than others, but the pain is still there. I loved my daughter deeply and I always will. I love the idea that grief is an expression of love. You wouldn't grieve if you didn't love.

Today, my mind is filled with so much Gratitude.

Gratitude that God chose me to be Savannah's Mom.

Gratitude that Savannah's life revealed His Glory and Majesty.

Psalm 111: 3-4

"Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty, His righteousness never fails. Who can forget the wonders he performs? How gracious and merciful is our Lord!"

During my pregnancy, many people told me that Savannah taught them so much about complete faith, surrendering to God, praying without ceasing, and loving more fully. I, myself, never fully grasped the depths of God's love for me until He used Savannah's life and my deep love for her to show me how He loves me on an even deeper level and with a passionate father/daughter agape!

I am currently doing a Women's Bible Study at my church on Revelation by Beth Moore. I am amazed at how God is using the book of Revelation (which I was always afraid to read because it seemed to hard to understand) to speak to my heart two years after Savannah's death and continue the healing process in my spirit. Just yesterday in class, Beth spoke on Revelation 11 regarding the two witnesses who would come to testify about Christ in the end times. She dwelt on verse 7 which says, "When they complete their testimony...the beast will conquer them and kill them." She stressed that no one, no child of God, will be taken from this earth a moment before they have served their purpose, completed their work, finished their race in this world. Each of us has a specific God-Given Purpose. This revelation touched my heart because it made me realize that Savannah served her purpose. She made the heart of God so very happy. She finished her race, she fought her fight. She taught so many people how to love deeper. She taught me how to trust God more completely. She taught me that God will never leave me or forsake me even when my world is falling apart, when my daughter is sick and dies, when my heart aches so much it feels like it will break. She taught me that God never left my side, dancing over me in love, even when I could not utter a prayer for a month after she died. My beautiful daughter, Savannah, served her purpose by drawing me into a deeper, richer, relationship with God, a relationship where I have learned to surrender all.

Earlier this October, I had days where I would find myself crying for no apparent reason. It was almost as if my heart was crying out for my baby girl without my even thinking about it. The tears would just pour down my face. It was during this time, that Beth Moore was covering Revelation 7, and she reiterated that our grief and tears and sufferings are only temporary. Revelation 7:17 says, "For the Lamb who stands in front of the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to the springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe away all their tears." ALL.THEIR.TEARS!!!! My longing for Heaven continues to grow as I study God's word regarding our eternal worshipping and "being" with Jesus. I will have no reason to grieve. Savannah now has no reason to grieve. She has no pain. She has no abnormality. She is whole. Beautiful. Rejoicing. Laughing. Playing. Loving. Now, that is what brings me peace today in the midst of my sorrow that I do not have a two year old brown-haired, blue-eyed girl running around chasing her big brother. Rather, she gets to run around Heaven, chasing Jesus, singing Praises, laughing as Butterflies tickle her nose. Heaven is a very real place, my dear friends. God longs for you to spend eternity with Him! If you haven't made the choice to accept Him into your heart, to receive His vast love for you, then please consider it now. He longs to be in a relationship with you. He adores you. As high as the heavens are from the earth, so great is His love for you! If you have any questions about His Amazing Love, then email me. I would love to share with you about the God who truly does make something Beautiful out of our pain and sorrow. My prayer for you is that:

Ephesians 3:14-19

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

On her birthday today, I wanted to share with you all Savannah's Celebration Service Video:

http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=8e6fc270ad6b343df687

Empty Hands and a Heart Full of Hope

I often tend to hold onto things and carry burdens as if they are mine alone to bear. Specifically, I have been holding onto the grief and loss of Savannah pretty tightly over the last few weeks. A year ago last month, we received the fatal "triploidy" diagnosis, and that is when the grieving process began for me. Now, I often find myself aching with a hurt that is indescribable because I miss holding her in my arms. My baby girl would be 10 1/2 months old, and I wonder if she would be crawling, babbling, etc..."I know" that I am not supposed to carry such a heavy burden alone. "I know" that God longs to take the burden from me. So, my prayer today and over the next few weeks is that I can keep giving this burden back to Him until there is no longer any grief left in my heart to hand over to Him. And, once I have done that....I can't wait to see what amazing gift He places in my empty hands :-)!
The following verse has become my strength throughout the past year because it reminds me that God promises to give me HOPE, and it is something that I can ask for over and over again!

Jeremiah 29:11" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all." Emily Dickinson

Best of Both Worlds & Great Divide Ice Cream

My 2 1/2 year old, Jaythan, has his first crush. He is in LOVE with Hannah Montana. How did this start, you may be wondering? About 2 weeks ago, I decided to splurge and rented the new Hannah Montana Movie from Redbox for $1. As we watched this adorably cute movie, my son was MESMERIZED and threw the BIGGEST temper tantrum when he had to go to bed and quit watching it. He woke up the next morning asking for "Hannah". Needless to say, I had to return the movie to Redbox and then purchase the DVD so we could have "Hannah" anytime Jaythan's heart desired it. He watches the entire movie at least once a day and dances to all the songs. If we hear a song from the movie on the radio he goes ballistic. He is IN LOVE! He especially loves her song "Best of Both Worlds". I know it by heart now, I must admit.

I know this is random, but please bear with me as I try to make these ramblings make sense. I was singing "Best of Both Worlds" in my head last night while eating my favorite ice cream-Blue Bell Great Divide. For those of you who aren't from TX, Blue Bell is the BEST and ONLY ice cream you will ever eat if you try it just once. The Great Divide variety is half chocolate/half vanilla-in my opinion, the BEST of BOTH WORLDS :-). It makes me happy; as does Jaythan dancing to Hannah and clapping while shouting, "Hannah, Hannah!" And all of this randomness made me think about our daughter, Savannah Grace, who lives with Jesus now. We only had the privilege of being her parents for such a short time-6 1/2 mths gestation. But, while we were caring for her, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved her completely. And, deep in my heart, I know that she is being LOVED extravagently by Jesus. Last week, at our Women's Fall Friendship Dinner at Church the speaker gave me a glimpse of Savannah dancing and laughing through fields of flowers in heaven. This image has stayed with me, and I know that she is truly happy and completely whole and loved unconditionally. Savannah truly had and has the Best of Both Worlds. She was loved and protected fiercely throughout my pregnancy during her time here on earth, and now our Heavenly Father is laughing with her, dancing with her, and loving her in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine. Now, that makes me Happy :-)!

And, the totally awesome thing about this is that you and I also have the Best of Both Worlds. God loves on us throughout our lives here on earth with simple pleasures every day-a beautiful sunset, the perfect rose, a smile from our child, a hug from a loved one, etc... And, then we also get the privilege of having His awesome Love in our hearts and the incredible Promise of Eternity with Him-the Best of Both Worlds. Have you allowed God's love to pour through you into someone's life today? I encourage you to do so-it will fill your own heart with joy and make you as happy as a double scoop of Great Divide Ice Cream! Be blessed my friends!

For those of you who aren't familiar with our story, you can catch up at: www.caringbridge.org/visit/savannahgraceburrell